About 7 years ago I read a book titled, Remembering Wholeness written by Carol Tuttle. At the time, it was exactly what I needed in my life. Since I had struggled with depression for most of my adult life (up to that time) the book "spoke" to me; it was as if light came out of that book when I opened it! I opened the book again the other evening looking for something new and it did not resonate with me like it had before except for one part: "As you come to a remembrance and knowledge of your true essence, your god-self, it will not feel familiar and you will go back to the old way of being for a time. It is as if you have been living in a dark closet banging around. Clearing the limitations and old energy patterns will let you out of the closet. You will feel free and it may frighten you, so you will go back in the closet and continue to come out occasionally until you feel more and more comfortable At some point you will close the door behind you and lock it, never to go in again, yet you will turn around and bang your head against the door just because it feels familiar."
I blogged about "patterns" yesterday and a few that I have had. The truth is that I have been in my "closet"(which has been a pattern for me) for a few days. I managed(about 7 years ago), after reading Remembering Wholeness and with alot of prayer, to "leave" most of my depression behind (it's a long story and one which I do not think would be appropriate to write here, at least right now ; I'll just say it was a miracle in my life), but every once in a while I just feel that need, I guess, to go back in my dark closet where it feels (or I think it's going to feel ) so comfortable! (that "need" is usually "triggered" and I think this time it was when Rob left which left me with a feeling of sadness being so far from my kids and grandkids.) The trick is coming out (changing my thoughts and actions) because once I go back in because it is a real feeling of being "stuck".
Yesterday,while in my "closet, I watched a whole season of America's Next Top Model. There was an episode that one of the contestants were "blaming" a poorly executed challenge and even her photo shoot on someone else; Nigel Barker(one of the judges) told her that she could not blame anyone else; that it was her responsibliity to get it right(interesting where we find all kinds of truths, huh?). My little "lightbulb" turned on because he was speaking truth. Whatever our circumstance or situation we are still in control (or out of control depending on which we give "choice" to) of our thoughts which lead to feelings and then actions (or inactions) and really does us no good in "blaming" or even in "whining" (doing that will only lead to more blaming and whining).
This morning, while on my knees, I realized that it was my choice as to how I can feel. I was listing a few reasons for not wanting or being afraid to do something and the thought occurred to me: "changing that thought will erase that fear", and I have to say how "freeing" that felt!
So I am back out of the closet and am once again "practicing" all of these wonderful tools that I have been taught. I am hoping next time the closet door opens for me to enter that I can just "see" it and close it shut because in reality, I know it's too dark in there for me to actually "see" anything.
" Be cheerful in all that you do. Live joyfully. Live happily. Live enthusiastically, knowing that God does not dwell in gloom and melancholy, but in light and love." Pres. Ezra Taft Benson